a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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