pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
