Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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