The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
