it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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