my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Who died my cat blue again?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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