Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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