its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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