Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
