There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
