I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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