Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
