I could make wine with my vomit
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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