I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize