I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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