I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
