Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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