I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
