I wish my penis had an off switch
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
do herpes really smell.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
