Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
