some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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