I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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