She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
