I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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