You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
