i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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