I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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