I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
