Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
