I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
