I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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