You just made me feel so damn special
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
