I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
