I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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