Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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