last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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