all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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