you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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