This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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