I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
