But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
