I'll bet she douches with gravy.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
