yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
