i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize