You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
