I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize