Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
