well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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