So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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