we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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