its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize