I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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