Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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