So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
