She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
