Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
