i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
