Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize