I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
