Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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