Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
