So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Im part way to drunk.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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