they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
