i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
