How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
