Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He kissed a someone with a penis
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
