New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
