i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
